Friday, June 24, 2005

Mid-year Menopause

The secular past seemed peaceful enough. But, though the paint-job looked good on the surface, the foundation of my personal "faith" could be comparable to a mud-hut in a quake-prone region. Too much lee-way was given, that could only mean inflicting upon myself more ungodly actions. To have felt some tinge of guilt, I guess there must still be some goodness left within. A tiny candlelight that yearned to do more than just glow - to out-shine the darkness, & cast a far-reaching light, radiating a finally cleansed soul. A poem I wrote some time ago encapsulates this nagging-past:

Redemption Seeking:

On a gloomy grey day;
that wasn't far away,
I contemplated my sins -
my impulses doing me in.

Unfortunate was the thought;
a double clot if not.
I drew the dagger while asleep
& finished me in gracious heat.

How did I falter;
can I repent?
Do you hear me Father;
am I your discontent?

For me to realise,
I know there's still hope -
If you help me light
the way to be PoPe.

Finally, I am about to embark on my studies again; after half a year's pause. The break has been somewhat fruitful though.

I'm may be repeating myself when I say, "I've expanded my personal space to embrace the spiritual and emotional". But, that really means a lot to me. All that has touched my heart and soul deeply, like nothing before. Even if I were a 10-year-old who's collected every single Happy Meal toy in the world, I would not be happier than I am now. I don't remember ever feeling this contented with life. And I cannot imagine how different life would be now if all those changes were taken away suddenly. I do not know then; if I'd ever find the courage & stamina - to face the professional challenges ahead; or even realise & nourish my faith enough to go to the Lord's house on my own...

Now, there is more meaning in life.

More, perhaps... after sun-down.


joline said...

That is where... In whatever circumstnces (good and bad), you learn not to lean on your own strength but instead trust in Him. When you are weak, He is strong. :-)

WR said...

*nods* I'll bear that in mind & hope to be "keeping the faith" even when times are bad :o)