Friday, September 16, 2005


Sometime ago, when "Back-to-School-Blues" was the looping-soundtrack that accompanied the latest "nagging-issues" episode of my living-showreel, I went into "meditation-mode" to find myself thoroughly shaken by self-doubt.

The following incomplete-post drafted then, only sees the light now:


For who am I working for?

It has dawned upon me that I might not be so independently-driven as I thought before.
I shrug off (too-easily) doing any "work" that pertains solely to myself; but (over)zealously seek out activities that fufill a greater group's intentions. The group project takes priority. Band practice is important to me. The lives of my family, friends and loved ones take precedence. There used to be so much to do for them. So much I could obtain a sense of fufillment from - in having "served" them; for what I always saw as mutually worthwhile causes.


What is it that I can do now? Now that I'm embarking on a journey of my OWN design( how unfortunate a pun~!) Why is it I feel almost powerless having "branched-out from the mainstream"; which was supposed to be suitably-liberating for me!? Why is it I feel that I am being forced to give up time with everyone-else to do these things myself?


a random from my Sunrise-collection:

To continue from where I left off back there & then:
I quote what a relatively-new friend recently said to me: "your weakness is that you always think what is best for others but not you" , "sometimes, you just got to be a little bit selfish to pursue what is good for yourself. it is a matter of fact, and it is very common and alright to do so" .

I thought about it and realised that wasn't the first time I've heard those words said to me. My parents have said that before; especially during the tumultous secondary school-days of Brotherhood and Band activities... when I ensured ChìChiñg Utd FC made it on-time for our Sunday-morning matches or court-kick-abouts... when I made sure I was in the Band Room whilst encouraging Bandmates to come in and practise as much as possible(especially in the months before SYF-competition~!)

Wait.. does that mean I've been living like that all this while?
A life of servanthood treading between democratic-leadership and plain-mediocrity?
A life embracing my personal growth but with a reluctantance to accept the end of my "foundation-phase"; to move-on and to flap/beat/spread my wings and take flight?
An insignificant life that's been spent wastefully so far?

Not at all.
When I think about it again clearheadedly, everything that was done, had it's meaningful life-changing purpose after-all.

I think things changed when:
- I learnt how to draw (first with Dad/Mom guiding my hand, then from attending Pre-school Art Enrichment lessons:-)
- I learnt how to play soccer with my Pri-sch mates - with a plastic ball~!
(Ruebs' and ZhiWei should be very familiar ;-)

Think things changed when
- I went into a Chinese mission-school with my lack of domestic(&daily) Mandarin-usage and secular lifestlye.
- I (unwittingly) joined the Band with no music-theory-background (& I thought the Yamaha-recorder in Pri Sch Music lessons was tough enough!)
- my Brothers came into my life and we formed ChìChiñg Utd FC, the social-support on and off-the-field :)
- I started hating Math~! :p
- you wrote to me ;-)

Things changed when
- An Art-teacher encouraged my artistic-growth and I decided to take up Art for my A-Levels.
- I decided to still take MathC if only to fufill Architecture's prerequisites.
- I unfortunately burst a lung.
- I met you again *timeless Stairway-Scene replays*

I believe all the above, being Captain, Band-Major and Pope was part of the plan. I believe that He was with me all along. Yes, it's been a long time coming. And still He remains faithful.

I finally believe, that the "miracles" I've experienced during my challenging-but-overall-smooth-sailing N.S-days were only granted through His amazing grace (credit also, to friends and family for their silent prayers). Although they weren't outrightly, explicit epiphanies, I'd like to give credit to the Almighty; for turning difficult circumstances around; for working through everyone who has blessed me so far~!
Hopefully, I can reminisce & recollect more memories of the loving Father's works-in-my-life (from my "unbelieving" past) to share with everyone :o)

If there were anything more purposeful for us than living life itself, it'd probably be: Knowing God.
Which means so much more than just knowing about God.
May His bleesings touch your hearts always. :D

a random from my Sunset-collection:

What was once lost, has thus been found!
Onward, to discover God's will now~


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Joline said...

>:( Nonsense spam comments. Booooo! I think there's something that Blogger has for you to prevent such comment spamming from happening. Might want to check it out.

Those are some pretty awesome looking sunset views! *imagines what it would've been like to see the whole expanse of it*

That's some journey, isn't it. Looking back to see how things of the past had twisted and turned, weaved and binded to form the present.
So He was in it, after all. :-)
Continue to grow from strength to strength in the Lord, through the good times and also through trials.

Hur hur. You know, if it wasn't for the knowledge of the context that the italic "you" was said in, i would've thought that the "you"-person you mentioned twice was the ultimate irritant of you life.
Eg. "You" again?!

lakeside girl said...

Life, nature, people - are in constant flux,WR. That's a given. The trick is to find an acceptance of it and peace within yourself about it all, along with joy - while in the moment, despite whatever circumstances you find yourself in, good or bad. Now, successfully balancing that act is what brings one true gratitude.

Peace to you! <3

WR said...

to Jo:
Yes, He was in it after all~! *hums the tune*
& so were you ;)

to Mari:
I sincerly appreciate your timely advice~! :)

Thanks to you2 for your encouragement :D